Musings on my two year Surgiversary

Yep, it's been ages. This has been a hell of a year. A year of triumph, sadness and loss, and hope - in grossly disproportionate amounts.

My baby brother and oldest brother both got married - yay!

My mom had knee surgery that went horribly awry - a surgery that was supposed to leave her able to walk better and dance at Bryan's wedding left her wheelchair bound.... talk about buyer's remorse? I have a ton of that for her.

My father passed away unexpectedly in May - my first love, the man against which I measured all others - taken far too soon from this world. I miss him every day.

My family has moved out of the family home and into an apartment - a great move for them, for sure.

My older brother is expecting his first baby in August.

Bryan and Krista bought a house.

David, my sweet nephew, turned 2!

Russ and Rinny moved into a new apartment

Our quest to become parents continues to be un-fruitful.

My moods swing on a dime, thanks to fertility drugs and emotional crap.... it's not a fun place to be sometimes.

I continue to be married to the most amazing man on earth....

But here I am....in the mood to muse and share. I've been blog silent for a long while, living my life and dealing with all of the above.

Let's talk positives/negatives of the weight loss journey thus far:

- I achieved onederland! Though I have to say, haven't been there as of late...my latest tousle with fertility meds left me at 204...ugh.

- I've kept off the bulk of my weight (all but 8 lbs) for over a year.

- I have more energy than ever before

- overall, physically, I feel awesome!

Negatives?:

- This supposed "boost to fertility?" - false. Almost 6 months back to the reproductive endocrinologist, numerous tests and treatments later? Nothing.

- I've gone back to drinking soda - pandora's box has been opened....I'm not proud, but I had missed my Coke Zero - I'm limiting it and plan to get rid of it again, but that's a hard habit to break.

- My capacity has increased a bit - I can now eat an entire sandwich in one sitting (depending on the material it's made of), I still have to eat slow, but I can do it.

- There are days I just don't follow the diet - and I know I should. I plan to get back on track.

It's been a struggle over the past couple of months, but I'm continuing to fight the fight...both of them now....the diet struggle and the fertility struggle. Hopefully I will be able to win at least one of them. I have to keep the faith.

And on the eve of my 39th birthday, I'm both proud and saddened by my status. I have a husband who loves me beyond everything, a family who adores me and keeps me sane, and I'm healthier than I've ever been. But, I still have days where I think, "this is not where I thought I'd be at 39..." I'm glad for where I've landed, but wish I had some other passengers, if you know what I mean. Life is definitely a journey..... one that has had more downs than ups as of late....but I'm still standing.....

As my mom so wisely told me on several occasions this past year, "God gives you the strength you need, not a minute too soon, not a minute too late.." I bank on this daily.

Thanks for reading!

<3

Accountability - day 2 - not bad!

So, I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 198.5. What I'm doing is having the desired effect. Positive reinforcement achieved! I am pushing on!

Yesterday I did well, considering it was a weekend....

Breakfast: Fake eggs with cheese, ham and ketchup
Coffee with SF coffeemate (not drunk at the same time - drank coffee first)
Snack: Apple and a cheese stick
Lunch: California Pizza Kitchen - thin crust BBQ chicken pizza with a touch of ranch (2 slices - tiny)
Snacks: Mixed nuts (1 oz)
Cheerios with lactaid milk (I wanted something crunchy!)
atkins bar before bed
Dinner: 2 oz chicken breast
broccoli
1/4 c fake potatoes (idohoan ones)

Totals: 1321 calories, 77 g protein. NO SUPPLEMENTS! that was a cool thing.

Off to work this morning...already noshing on my fake egg omlet for my AM protein. Talk to you soon!

Thanks for reading!
<3
Laurie =)

Back on Track - The plan and day one summary

So, I decided since I stepped on the scale and it said 201 yesterday (I hate that 2!), I needed to assess my situation and make changes. I've been gradually going down the slippery slope...and the smaller I get, the fewer calories I can consume and still lose. Here are the things I found I was doing all wrong in the last couple weeks....

1. Too many sweets at work and too weak - the more I ate, the more I wanted
2. my Starbucks drink - Venti soy latte is 260 calories! And I was drinking one a day - at least!
3. Carbs carbs carbs - bread, crackers and sugars, oh my! - Not cool.
4. Loving others with food led to my loving myself more with food - a cycle I've worked hard to break.....it's happened again!
5. No gym - I've been using the excuse that I was getting my ribs better - but my ribs are better now...so I have NO excuse.

So....what to do? Refocus, change my habits, and get back where I should be! Here's the plan:

1. Track daily on Spark People....I was only doing it sporadically - but hadn't in a long time. That's how I found my errors when I entered a days' "work".
2. Blog daily with my accountability - especially when I'm in Scranton for the next couple weeks...I love my fam, but they are major food triggers for me!
3. Get back to exercise - I have some yoga shows on my DVR, I'm going to try them. Starting back to Zumba - with my sister next two weeks and then back when I get here...there's a Zumba class in my building M, T, W at 6:20 - it's late, but I can do it!
4. NO MORE SWEETS OR DOUGHY CARBS - I even wrote that down and took a pic of it to make my home screen on my phone. So far, it's a good reminder!
5. Replace my loving people with sweets (doughnuts, cakes, cookies), I'm getting rid of the sweets on the snack table at work and replacing it with fruits and veggies. My staff will thank me for it!

That's my plan!

Now for my accountability for yesterday.

Breakfast: Protein Oatmeal (100 cal, 15g protein)
AM Beverage: Chocolate protein shake (160 cal, 30g protein)
AM snack: Ham and cheese rollup (95 cal, 12g protein)
late AM drink: Protein capuccino (90 cal, 15g protein)
Lunch: Starkist tuna lunch thingy (210 calories, 20g protein)
Honeydew (32 cal, 0 protein)
PM Snack: Carrots and ranch dressing (105 calories, 0 protein)
Dinner: Chicken Ceasar salad (wawa) (240 calories, 22g protein)
Grapes (60 calories, 0 protein)
Raspberry vinaigrette (45 calories, 0 protein)

Totals: 1235 calories, 118 carbs, 36 g fat, 109 g. protein (ish)

Not too bad for a first day. We shall see what day 2 brings....weekends are tough sometimes.

Thanks for reading!
<3
Laurie =)

365 days later.....

And here I am. One year surgiversary. Can't believe it - I said it was going to be my new birthday and man was I right. My life renewed the day I entered that OR. I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's been a year....and when I think about last year at this time, I'm amazed at what I have accomplished.

Regardless of how I may complain about my little missteps.... I'm only human and we all encounter them. I have to give myself credit where credit is due and pat myself on the back for the goals I have set and accomplished. So, what will 2011 have for me? Here's what I hope...

- My weight has stabilized pretty well, but I would love to get down to 190. It's only 9#, and I think with refocus and discipline, I can easily accomplish it.
- I hope to be on my way to motherhood by the end of the year
- I want to walk the Relay for Life and outpace my last year's numbers
- I want to look HOT at my brother's wedding.....dress shopping, here I come!
- I want to get back on track with nutrition and cut out sweets altogether again
- I will go to support group EVERY month - without fail!
- I will get into some form of leisure - bowling league, craft thing, cake decorating, something.....I feel myself getting into an after work rut
- I will get to the gym, at least 3 days a week, to help get this last 9# off and help keep it off!

That's what I hope for this year. I have to maintain this healthy lifestyle....it's why I did what I did, right?

Thank you for all your support over the past year! I couldn't have done it without my family and friends! Love you all!

Thanks for reading!
<3
Laur =)

366 days strong - 164 lbs lighter - 100% healthier and stronger.

Happy Sunday!

Made a list of things I can cook for the week. Banishing fast food from our repertoire once again..... I plan to cook daily, beit crock pot or stove or oven. Things were getting out of control for a while - it's far too easy to fall back into old habits.

When I have worked a 12 hour day, it is far too easy to stop for chicken at WalMart or grab something from the fast food joints. Granted, there are far more healthy choices there now, but they are still not the same as cooking. And the temptation to go bad is there.....and lately, I am weak.

I'm off to finish dinner......laters!
Thanks for reading!
<3
Laurie =)

Gaining?

So, yesterday I wake to a 2 lb. weight gain. Now, I understand that during AF, the weight can fluctuate. I so get that. But when you just break the 200 mark and the scale reads 200 again? Somehow that 2 lbs seems bigger than it actually is.

I know I'm overanalyzing.....but the fear is always there that regain can happen. I am guessing the fear will keep me on the straight and narrow. Or, I certainly hope so.

Off to have some breakfast (well, lunch, really) and go to the movies with my love. Green Hornet, here we come!

Have a good day!
Thanks for reading.....
<3
Laur =)

Strange realizations...

I was reading through my old blogs from the past year and something struck me.

Things I thought were impossible were, in fact, possible. For example:

1. I thought it would be impossible to wear a size large by this Christmas - I was.
2. my waist measurement pre surgery is now my HIP measurement!
3. I have made it below 200# for the first time in my adult life...and I'm staying here!
4. I am learning to eat in moderation and enjoy food differently - my relationship with food is so different now. I love food, but don't live for it.
5. All my lab values are not only good, but I'm the picture of health!

It's incredible, really. It's been a long year and a short year all at once....and I'm so thankful for this journey, even when it takes me to strange places I've never been and challenges me in ways I never thought I could handle. I'm also so thankful for all the support of my family and friends on this journey as well. I could not have done it without all of you. Thank you.

Thanks for reading...

Lots of love...

Laur =)